The main cause of narcissism personality disorder is childhood trauma, including physical, psychological, emotional, and mental abuse, lack, neglect, and all sorts of abuse, as I mention in my book: “Healing from Trauma and Childhood Programming.”
We will also look at another form of abuse that will turn a child unto a narcissist in adulthood
PARENTAL ABUSE
Parental abuse is any situation where the parents would not allow the child to separate from them and become an individual.
1. Parentifying and adultifying a child
When you are adultifying and parentifying a child is a form of abuse; treat the child as your intimate partner and all forms of abuse, you parentify the child, you become the child as a parent, and the child becomes the parent; you force the child to mother you or to father you; or you create alliances or coalition with the child against your spouse, you treat the child as your intimate partner these are all form of adultifying and parentifying the child
2. Instrumentalize a child
Similarly, if you use a child as an instrument, you instrumentalize the child. For example, if you have an unfulfilled dream as a parent and force the child to realize your dream, which is a form of abuse, know their dream or motivate them to do what they are good at, don’t force it on them.
Sometimes parents use their children as resources to bring them some sort of income.
3. Sexual and Physical abuse
When the child is sexually molested, or when you beat a child up, you are breaching the child’s emerging boundaries; you’re not allowing the child to have a firewall or protection. The child emerges with you, fused with you as a parent; so, these are classical forms of abuse, verbal, psychological, etc. They don’t recognize the child’s separateness, and they treat the child as an object, which is objectifying the child, which is a form of abuse.
4. Good enough mother or good enough parent
Smothering the child, spoiling, pampering, idolizing, and pedestalizing are forms of abuse because you are not allowing the child to go out into the world, get in touch with reality, and learn the lessons, mistakes, and misbehaviors. You are overprotective and broadcasting to the child; he can do no wrong; he is infallible, godlike, perfect, and superior to other children; These messages are abusive because they don’t allow personal growth and development.
Briefly, it is easy to abuse your children. It is very difficult to be what Winnicott called a good enough mother and a good enough parent. The vast majority of parents fail; that is the truth. They are not good enough parents.
5. Dead Mother
Andre Green, in 1978, invented the phrase “Dead Mother.” A dead mother is not a mother who is physically dead. A dead mother is a mother who is emotionally absent, depressive, narcissistic, self-centered, selfish, or absent in the sense that she is out a lot.
Here is a problem with parenting, you need to find the thin line, the perfect equilibrium, the balance between being overbearing and being absent, between encouraging the child to separate and protecting the child, providing the child with a secure base, a safe environment. Very few parents find this balance. Now, when children get seriously hurt, when the abuse is extreme, when the child is not allowed to develop boundaries, and separate and become an individual, children begin to grieve; they develop a grief response, And they grief what they could have become; They develop a lot of anger, there is a reservoir of anger which they cannot direct at the parents because it is not legitimate, so children develop a false self.
A false self is an imaginary friend, and a false self is everything the child is not; a false self is omnipotent and all-powerful, the false self is omniscient all, knowing the false self is perfect and brilliant in short, a false self is a divinity. It’s God, a private god, and the whole thing becomes a personal religion.
Narcissism is a private religion where the child is both God and a worshiper.
NARCISSISM IS GODLIKE
Narcissists, like many other people, have defense mechanisms which are psychological processes that falsify or refrain from reality in a way that would make you feel comfortable; it’s known as Ego-syntony, which makes you feel ego-syntonic; of course, narcissists make use of this ironically much less than other people; and the reason is this, this false self becomes the narcissist, gradually the child disappears completely. It is compared to human sacrifice; this new God, the false self is a very demanding god; it demands human sacrifice, and then the child sacrifices his true self, and nobody is left except the false self. The narcissist merges with the false self and becomes the false self, and all that is left is a piece of fiction, a narrative, and a storyline; the false self and the false self is godlike; it has God’s attributes. Exactly as we wouldn’t think that God second guesses His actions or that God has self-doubt, or that God goes to therapy, we wouldn’t assume that the narcissist would do this because, in the narcissist’s eyes, he is a kind of deity he is a kind of divinity, he is infallible, everything he does is good and for the better.
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